King of all Bad Asses
Dave Evans is the KING OF ALL BADASSES...end of story.
Dave Evans is so badass that he can pound it to 2 girls 1 cup without becoming violently sick!
Dave Evans died 3 years ago... the grim reaper is just afraid to tell him...because he's BAAAAADDDDAAAASSSSSS!
The song ew that smell by lynard skynard is about DAVE EVANS. I didnt capotilize his name my computer automatically did it out of fear.
I once met Dave Evans and he kicked my ass so hard my shit had foot prints in it.
Dave Evans is so badass that he can hear the Harvard IQ test.
Dave Evans met a Retarded Boy one day and kicked him in the face so hard he became a Nobel Prize winner and Inventor of the Internet when he grew up....
Dave Evans uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Dave Evans' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Dave Evans has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Dave Evans can kill him and take it.
Dave Evans once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Dave Evans doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Dave Evans what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Dave Evans only masturbates to pictures of Dave Evans.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Dave Evans instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Dave Evans appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Evans replied, "That's no glitch."
Dave Evans lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Dave Evans was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Dave Evans sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Dave roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Dave Evans does not sleep. He waits.
Dave Evans built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Dave met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Dave Evans is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Dave Evans.
Dave Evans was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Dave omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Dave Evans smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Dave Evans.
Dave Evans does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
There is no chin behind Dave Evans' beard. There is only another fist.
Dave Evans once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Dave roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Dave Evans--more than meets the eye, Dave Evans--robot in disguise," and starred Dave Evans as a Bad Ass who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Dave Evans is pain. Actually, the chief export of Dave Evans is pure BadAss first, pain is second!
Dave Evans is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
When Dave Evans plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
It was once believed that Dave Evans actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Dave Evans himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Dave Evans recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Dave Evans used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Dave Evans," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Dave Evans.
If you can see Dave Evans, he can see you. If you can't see Dave Evans, you may be only seconds away from death.
On the 7th day, God rested.... Dave Evans took over.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Dave Evans.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Dave Evans, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Dave Evans.
God offered Dave Evans the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for King of all Badasses.
When Dave Evans was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Dave Evans drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck's quack does not echo. Dave Evans is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Dave Evans once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Evans lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Dave Evans' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
If you want a list of Dave Evans' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Dave Evans has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
When Dave Evans' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Dave said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Dave Evans."
Dave Evans once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Dave Evans doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Dave Evans.
Ironically, Dave Evans' hidden talent is invisibility.
Dave Evans eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Dave Evans owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.
Dave Evans invented a language that incorporates being a Bad Ass and Rock God. So next time Dave Evans is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Dave Evans invented water.
Dave Evans went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Dave Evans yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Dave Evans accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Dave Evans, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Dave Evans is Luke Skywalker's real father.
Dave Evans does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Dave Evans roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Dave Evans can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks
Dave Evans Website
